L'appel du Vide

Last night was seriously just the most obnoxious thing ever. We finally ran into everyone and I met Ben’s friend Mike, who was the handsome ginger he had described him to be, and after a few minutes of chatting with him he walked over to grab a cigarette from Ben or something and I could see him blatantly telling him to stay away from me. Like, why are we still in high school? I didn’t fucking do anything and it made me so mad. When Mike walked back over to me I leveled with him and basically said that I knew Ben just called me crazy, but when I told him the Portugal story, not only did he say that Ben doesn’t black out, so he was most likely lying when he said that he had, but also that he thought he probably just felt guilty and was putting it all on me. The kid was really cute and actually seemed like he could be nice and interesting, but I literally heard Ben use the word “fucking crazy” in reference to me a few minutes later and then the two of them and some other people unceremoniously left.

Him being a prick pretty much ruined my night, I’m ashamed to say. I want so much for other people’s bullshit not to bother me, but it still does. And of course I never got a chance to talk to him about it when he was sober, and if I did now I would just seem more crazy than he already thinks I am, so I’m conflicted. I just want it all not to matter and I feel like it’s going to be one more goddamn thing to go down in the books with all of the high school bullshit from actual high school. Ughhh. Motherfucking ranting text posts about shit that shouldn’t matter with people who shouldn’t matter. Everyone’s leaving tomorrow and I’ll be here all by myself, possibly with Guille but who knows, and I’m going to be relieved but also sad and lonely as fuck.

I wanted so badly for everything last night to just be chill and fun, and it was the exact opposite of that for so many people. I feel like I’m never going to be able to have normal interactions with people at all I guess. I’ll always find a way for something like this to happen because I put too much faith in the hope that people mean what they say and think for half a second about their actions, and also that they’ll believe me when I tell them things. Granted it will be easier when all the people I have to interact with aren’t shitfaced all the time, hopefully, but it still just makes me feel really horrible that I can’t seem to manage to have a nice, calm, adult acquaintanceship with basically anyone without shit still getting said behind my back. It’s fucking hopeless.

For once I just wish that someone would actually trust the shit I tell them since it’s fucking true instead of listening to everyone else repeating the lies they heard from one person and poisoning everyone else. I know I’m being overly dramatic about it, but I can’t get over how similar it is to the high school situation with Julian, Mikey, Steve, and all that shit. The resemblance is uncanny, and it’s just like, we were all under twenty at that point. The behavior shouldn’t change that little when people are in/graduated from college. It should fucking be different, and it isn’t, and that’s just remarkably disappointing, in my opinion.