L'appel du Vide

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:59:27 -0400

One down, only an hour and a half later than I promised myself. One to go, that I should have been...

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:38:46 -0400

One down, only an hour and a half later than I promised myself. One to go, that I should have been writing all semester and will likely not start until tomorrow. Yep.

I will finish this paper and send it before 2:15 tomorrow afternoon. I cannot respect myself if I...

Tue, 07 May 2013 01:36:35 -0400

I will finish this paper and send it before 2:15 tomorrow afternoon. I cannot respect myself if I take more than a week past the deadline to turn in this paper, regardless of how bad it will still be by then. I was given an indefinite extension, but I still should have been done days ago, an I’m an asshole for taking this long. I suck for taking advantage of my professor’s trust, even though I didn’t totally do it on purpose.

I will not allow the same thing to happen with my Spanish paper, and will truly start writing it tomorrow once I finish this paper. I will edit the shit out of it and make it awesome so that I actually have a shot at doing well in that class.

Once both papers are done, I will make a real effort to do things other than being a lazy asshole and watching Netflix all day like I did for most of the semester to get myself into this mess in the first place. I will read. I will clean. I will purge useless things and organize what’s left. I will be productive to make up for how much I wasn’t this semester.

"People are uncomfortable with sexuality that is not made for male consumption."

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 13:17:29 -0400

“People are uncomfortable with sexuality that is not made for male consumption.”

- Erykah Badu (via lezziemcguire)

Always reblog.

(via the-uncensored-she)

I have all of this work and I really just don’t care to do any of it, especially the...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:50:00 -0400

I have all of this work and I really just don’t care to do any of it, especially the Portuguese. The semester ends two weeks from tomorrow so I know I really need to start getting somewhere with my reading so I can write my papers and actually be done with everything on time, but so far I haven’t convinced myself that it’s urgent enough to really start working. I’m not quite sure why. I also really need to clean my room so it will be easier to move out promptly when the semester is over because I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to, but that hasn’t gotten done yet either. It seems like each semester I just procrastinate more and more, and I’m pretty surprised that it hasn’t caught up with me yet. I’m not sure how I can motivate myself to get everything done on time, especially since I’ll still be working until the end of the semester too, but I hope I find it in me somewhere because second semester junior year is certainly not the time to fuck up.

"Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool."

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 18:01:28 -0400

““Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.””

- Robert Brault (via creatingaquietmind)

This pretty much sums up my feelings about life in general at...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 15:57:11 -0400

This pretty much sums up my feelings about life in general at this point.

"Why do we have an abortion rate 20% higher than France’s (and more than twice as high as Germany’s),..."

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 22:12:51 -0400

“

Why do we have an abortion rate 20% higher than France’s (and more than twice as high as Germany’s), especially considering most doctors here won’t perform them? The answer is any country that has universal health care, where contraception is free, where child care is free or inexpensive, where there is less poverty because people don’t become bankrupt over medical bills — those societies are simply going to have fewer unplanned and unwanted pregnancies.

And there the mask gets pulled off the Bart Stupaks and the “Christians.” If the statistics show that countries with government-provided universal health care and nearly-free abortions are, in fact, the countries with the fewest abortions, then why on earth wouldn’t the Right be the first in line to support universal health care?

Because it isn’t about “universal health care.” It’s about controlling women, period. It’s about sticking your nose in other people’s business. It’s about pushing your religious beliefs on everyone else because voices in your head tell you your Jesus is The One — even though your Jesus never said one single solitary word in any of the four gospels of the Bible about abortion or fertilized eggs being human. You’ve just gone and made it up about “life beginning at conception.” Jesus never said that. The little voice in your head said that, the same little voice that wants your grubby paws on women’s uteruses. You need help. Please get some help and leave the rest of us alone, Mr. Stupak and friends.

”

- Michael Moore: My Congressman, Bart Stupak, Has Neither a Uterus Nor a Brain (via veruca-assault)

(via evangotlib)

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 23:40:19 -0400

This paper is almost half done but still really disjointed and I don’t know how I’m...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 15:09:28 -0400

This paper is almost half done but still really disjointed and I don’t know how I’m going to pull any of it together into some kind of cogent point. I’ve been watching ER and Grey’s Anatomy and both are working to convince me that I’m supposed to a doctor, despite the fact that the only appeal is the attractive actors. I’m supposed to finish One Hundred Years of Solitude by tomorrow and I have almost four hundred pages left, so it’s a lost cause at this point but I’m still going to work on it once I finally finish this stupid paper. I’m thinking about giving my two weeks’ notice at work tomorrow so that I have half a chance of getting everything done for my classes rather than just fucking up the rest of the semester like I did for the whole first half. It’s a really hard decision to commit to though since I need money if I’m not going to work this summer. Everything is just stupid and up in the air right now and I can’t deal with any of it. Ugh.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:37:25 -0400

I am so tired of this bullshit restlessness. I know it happens a lot and I would think I’d be...

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 00:30:36 -0400

I am so tired of this bullshit restlessness. I know it happens a lot and I would think I’d be used to it by now, but it still drives me fucking crazy. I want to be able to take five minutes without overanalyzing everything that happened today (particularly with Arjun because I’m starting to invent ridiculous theories in my head for what the fuck is going on there, and it’s just not good). I want to be able to focus on the work I need to have done for tomorrow. I want to give a shit about the stuff I have to do and stop having all of my energy and motivation sucked away by thinking about other things that are either not as important or at the very least not as pressing. Ugh. Why can’t my brain for one day just cooperate and let me focus the way I want to and get things done the way I need to and then fall asleep at an appropriate time of night? I don’t see why that has to be so fucking difficult every goddamn day.

"I am a series of small victories and large defeats and I am as amazed as any other that I have..."

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 23:50:47 -0400

“I am
a series of
small victories
and large defeats
and I am as
amazed
as any other
that
I have gotten
from there to
here.”

- Charles Bukowski (via catastrophegirlfriend)

Skipping my grad class to try to write my final proposal for it since I didn’t finish the book...

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 11:18:54 -0400

Skipping my grad class to try to write my final proposal for it since I didn’t finish the book for today anyway. I bothered to email the professor this time even though he never reads his email before class anyway, but hopefully he appreciates it and goes easy on me for skipping like three classes this month. I’m having a terrible time focusing (obviously, as evidenced by me writing this instead of the proposal). Between all this work and the Arjun thing yesterday and actual work and the fact that my room is a mess and I don’t know what I’m doing this summer and mOthertongue and on and on, I just don’t know how to get stuff done anymore. When I’m not physically exhausted I’m emotionally exhausted and more often than not I’m both. I want to take some time off work without them just saying they can’t keep me, but I don’t know how to accomplish that because it’s too easy for them to replace me. I’m going crazy and I still have a month and a half left of the semester which is awful. I need to write my Decadence midterm at some point in the next few days too, which won’t be easy since I still haven’t finished any of those books either. It’s not okay. I just want to sleep until May.

So Arjun decided that “dating me wouldn’t be right for him” or something to that...

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 17:01:18 -0400

So Arjun decided that “dating me wouldn’t be right for him” or something to that effect, which really sucks. Especially since I hadn’t even asked him for any kind of commitment or anything. We’d been on one date and I simply asked when he wanted to go out again. I was doing my very best not to be crazy-overly-interested-girl, and while I’m not good at that, I thought I was doing pretty well under the circumstances. I suppose I appreciate him not leading me on though. Better to know after only a week of getting all excited about it than going on a few more dates and then dragging it out to like a month or so only then to find out he’s not into it. He said we should still hang out if I want, so we’re getting dinner on Wednesday again, which is pretty weird, to be honest, because it’s like, okay, I asked you out and then you said you didn’t want to date me but still asked me out to dinner. It’s a date that isn’t a date. I don’t know how it’ll all play out. He said it was nothing I did and that I didn’t imagine that our first date was good, but he still doesn’t want to date me. My first thought of course was that if we keep hanging out he’ll change his mind, but I know that’s probably not true. I just have a terrible time being friends with anyone I’m attracted to because it doesn’t just work itself out and go away. That shit abides. It’ll be interesting to see what happens though.

This needs to stop. I’m not sleeping enough, I’m working too much, and I’m not...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 23:56:22 -0400

This needs to stop. I’m not sleeping enough, I’m working too much, and I’m not getting anything done. I did just come up with a half decent idea for my grad class final if I can find some okay research to back it up, but I don’t know how or when I will have the time or motivation to actually write my proposal. I have to be at work at seven until twelve thirty, then I have class until three thirty, and I really want to make myself go to the gym tomorrow because it’s getting nice out and I want to feel better about how I look before summer clothes become necessary (not that I feel awful, but I’d like to be more in shape and capable of physical activity). I’m getting anxious that mOthertongue isn’t going to have anything to publish which is particularly a problem now that I’ve been appointed editor-in-chief. I can’t very well have it on my resume if it doesn’t exist, so it needs to work out. Meanwhile, all I can think about is the boy and him needing to be better at communicating so that we can go out again (and hopefully again and again). It’s been too long since I’ve had someone in my life that I actually like, so I really don’t want this to get fucked up. I’m putting way too much stake in it, I know, but I can’t help being that girl at this point. I’ve seriously thought about quitting my job five times tonight so that I would have more time to rest and therefore more motivation to get work done (and more time to potentially spend hanging out with said boy) but I keep coming back to the conclusion that I can’t. I have another month and a half that I should stick it out, especially since I can’t quite conceive of what I would be doing if I didn’t have work, but thinking about staying is just as miserable because I can’t think of the last time I wasn’t exhausted. Things just need to get better and start being good for a while. I know a lot of it is out of my control and I’m trying to not worry about that stuff, despite how hard it is, and I’m working on feeling like some of it is in my power and trying to manage that much. It’s not going too well lately, what with the anxiety and the exhaustion and the loneliness and all that, but I’m trying.

Not getting texted back: lame. Having work in twelve hours: lame. Never having time or energy for...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 19:07:39 -0400

Not getting texted back: lame. Having work in twelve hours: lame. Never having time or energy for fun things because of work: lame. I can’t begin to express how over this semester I am.

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 16:45:12 -0500

Okay, so I really need him to want me, because all I can think about is seeing him again.

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 09:05:58 -0500

Okay, so I really need him to want me, because all I can think about is seeing him again.

So the date tonight was awesome. Dinner at Mission Cantina then three hours talking at Rao’s....

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 23:38:14 -0500

So the date tonight was awesome. Dinner at Mission Cantina then three hours talking at Rao’s. The interesting and intelligent conversation that is so sorely lacking in my life! So good. And he’s more attractive in person than his already really attractive pictures, which isn’t really important but still definitely nice. He has a great smile and dimples and I just can’t. I need to see him again like, tomorrow.