Maddie. 20. New England.
I have all of this work and I really just don’t care to do any of it, especially the Portuguese. The semester ends two weeks from tomorrow so I know I really need to start getting somewhere with my reading so I can write my papers and actually be done with everything on time, but so far I haven’t convinced myself that it’s urgent enough to really start working. I’m not quite sure why. I also really need to clean my room so it will be easier to move out promptly when the semester is over because I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to, but that hasn’t gotten done yet either. It seems like each semester I just procrastinate more and more, and I’m pretty surprised that it hasn’t caught up with me yet. I’m not sure how I can motivate myself to get everything done on time, especially since I’ll still be working until the end of the semester too, but I hope I find it in me somewhere because second semester junior year is certainly not the time to fuck up.
Skipping my grad class to try to write my final proposal for it since I didn’t finish the book for today anyway. I bothered to email the professor this time even though he never reads his email before class anyway, but hopefully he appreciates it and goes easy on me for skipping like three classes this month. I’m having a terrible time focusing (obviously, as evidenced by me writing this instead of the proposal). Between all this work and the Arjun thing yesterday and actual work and the fact that my room is a mess and I don’t know what I’m doing this summer and mOthertongue and on and on, I just don’t know how to get stuff done anymore. When I’m not physically exhausted I’m emotionally exhausted and more often than not I’m both. I want to take some time off work without them just saying they can’t keep me, but I don’t know how to accomplish that because it’s too easy for them to replace me. I’m going crazy and I still have a month and a half left of the semester which is awful. I need to write my Decadence midterm at some point in the next few days too, which won’t be easy since I still haven’t finished any of those books either. It’s not okay. I just want to sleep until May.
I should be either reading or sleeping and will likely be doing one or the other again in a few minutes. I would have finished the book by now if I hadn’t been texting a guy from OkCupid until 12:30…from what little contact we’ve had so far on OkC and texting today though, he seems like someone I could like. I’m going to be brave and have my second ever real life OkCupid date, which is always weird, but I need something in my life to be different than all the normal shit I do, so I might as well go eat some Mexican food with a stranger, right? I have a work meeting in five hours and for some reason this is the only time I’ve been able to stay awake long enough to get through more than seven pages of the stupid book I’m reading, but now I only have thirty left, so I should be able to finish it in the morning once the meeting is over and before I go back to bed for my pre-class nap. I’ll be the first book I finish for the Spanish grad class, so I’m really determined to do it. I had a sudden burst of motivation, so I might also hit the gym after the meeting. We’ll see how I feel after all the sleep I’m not going to get in the next four hours. Bleh.
50 shades of done with this semester
Mainlining Taking Back Sunday and desperately trying to make some minute amount of progress on my presentation for tomorrow. I still need another seven pages for my Junior Writing paper, but I’m trying to do the presentation first because it’s a group project and I refuse to fuck over other people’s grades before my own. The Prezi is starting to look pretty decent, but I keep editing other people’s slides instead of working on my information.
It’s been such a shitty few days for no particular reason. I’ve just been getting upset at the smallest things because I have so much to do and I keep putting all of it off. Today is serious work time, but I’m losing focus. I probably have enough that whenever I decide to stop on the Prezi will be fine as long as I get some notecards together later, but then comes the paper, and I really just don’t have anywhere to go with it right now. The semester just needs to end. I’m going to get everything done and I’m going to do it well because I can’t not, but I’m beyond over it at this point. The apartment bullshit needs to come together, the money for the winter class needs to come together, I need to figure out when I’m working over break so that I still get some semblance of vacation time, I need to get classes in order for next semester so I’m not killing myself again in the Spring, and on and on. If only I could do a presentation on my stress and then write my paper about that. I could just stand in front of the class for forty-five minutes crying. It’d work out great.
Have to be at work in just under six hours. Can’t sleep. Had a pretty decent day despite my only human interaction being advising meetings, but now I’m just tired and lonely and can’t get out of my head enough to pass out for a few hours. Lately I’ve been able to fall asleep really easily, which makes this even worse. =(
Putting off homework by trolling the Lit tag and liking every post. Wanting to abandon school to go read books on my own. Listening to “Creep” Radio on Pandora and having it play perfectly into my restlessness. Wondering how I’ll get everything done today when I can’t find a single reason to care. Take home exam. Reading. Documentary. More reading. Knowing that if I could only make myself focus for an hour or two, I could get the exam done. Another hour or two, the reading. Two more hours of marginal attention, the documentary. Knowing that I won’t be able to muster nearly that much focus or concern. Knowing that I’ll have to anyway.
I ate two entire loaves of challah bread today. I need to start going to the gym.